Thursday, December 25, 2008

Epic Fail

It has been a few days since I last posted, and I know there are a (very) few of you who may have noticed. The reason is that I have had a Chanukah party every night this week, save for tonight. Why is Chanukah the time designated to annoy the crap out of family and friends with excessive lame parties? (especially from the in-laws side) The rest of the year we don't "party" but com Chanukah and we can't stop. Are we that jealous of all the Christmas parties? If you are, go and bake a fruitcake and leave me out of it. I dont need to be bothered.

But, I wanted to say something else also. Maybe this will explain why my tone is especially bitter tonight. I went skiing today and suffered an epic fall. I am a pretty good skier, everything but the hardest double black diamond trails and I wiped out fantastically on the bottom of a ridiculously easy blue trail. I slammed my head to the floor, bruised my cheek, gave myself whiplash and lastly, suffered a crushing blow to my pride and ego.

Now you know why I am bitter. And no, another Chanukah party from the in-laws side, after Shabbos by the in-laws, will only do one thing; make me homicidal.

It should give me plenty of what to rant about though, but I refuse to see the good in this yet. Stay posted maybe I will find it.


Monday, December 22, 2008

A(nother) Holiday?

So Chanukah is upon us. don't get me wrong, I love this time of year and I love Chanukah. My hebrew birthday is righ after and it is generally a happy time of year. Although I wonder how much of the happiness is attributable to the festive christmas atmosphere everywhere.

For the 8 nights of Chanukah I have 4 parties, but i will get into that subject a little later. for now I have a more pressing concern.

Shabbos Chanukah.

I get invited by both my parents and my in-laws. Apparently it has become another yom tov which must be split between the two sides? When did this happen? Do we really need another one? All I know is that one isde will end up being insulted if we don't go to them so that is what it comes down to.

Seriously, when did this become a shabbos where you have to invite company and make a big deal? All i hear is "where are you going to be for shabbos chanukah?" Wtf? When did it become it's own entity? Is it just mine and my wife's family? Anyone else experiencing this ridiculousness?!?! Anyone care to venture a reason?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Loud Noises

Although I am not too tired (ala Nameless), I just don't have the patience to sit and write a long-winded post right now.

So a quick question which shul on shabbos has given me. This is for all the frummies out there who read this (c'mon I know there are more than my usual commenters who read this). Why must you daven so loud in shul? I know FrumSatire has mentioned this, but I really need to get to the bottom of it. Do you really think that the volume of your davening is directly proportionate to its meaning and value? One argument is that it helps you concentrate (I know because I have heard this from a loud davener himself), but I just cannot help but to think that there can be some other way for you to channel your concentration besides yelling like a howler monkey. Someway where you will not annoy me to the point of physical assault, yet still maintain your high level of concentration.

Anyone else have this experience? Is it only men or women also?


Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's Five O'clock Somewhere

The moment I had been waiting for finally came, and it was strangely anti-climactic. I should have known it was going to be, but I kept hoping and anticipating anyway.
In my opinion being in law school is like being a golfer or a gambler; 2 people who according to Lewis Black, lead much fuller lives when they anticipate, and which are really crappy when they participate.

Yes, I finished my semester and it sucked. It went a little something like this.

The whole semester - crappy
Studying for Finals - amazingly and horrifically crappy
Taking Finals - cumulatively like getting stoned .....see,
  Banking Law - Chinese Water Torture
  Constitutional Law - Flogging
  Corporations - Blunt Force Trauma
  Evidence - Sodomy

Now I know what you are thinking, how does he know what it feels like to get stoned, or flogged, or water-tortured? The answer is I don't. But, I can't imagine it is any more painful, emotionally and cognitively, than finals in law school. To wit, If my Evidence exam could have stood up behind me, it would have performed unspeakable horrors, which would leave me in therapy for a very long time.

Thankfully they are over, and I can get back to doing things I really enjoy. Blogging, preparing for a child iy"h, eating, skiing, eating etc.

P.S. If you know what any of those things actually feel like, please let me know. If you don't feel free to speculate in the comments.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

14 Years

As any fan of hard rock and pasty white men with awful corn rows can probably tell you, Guns N' Roses released their long awaited album about a month ago. This, after 14 years and a reported $13 million spent in making it. I am an unabashed fan of G&R and have no qualms about liking the new album, even if Axl is the only remaining member from the original band. I am almost sorry to say, (except that I really don't have time to care) but the album is not really missing Izzy, Slash and Duff. But I did not come here to critique the album. No one cares what I have to say about the music....but the vocals are vintage Axl, and the guitar, featuring Buckethead, while not quite equaling Slash's previous work with the band, is certainly excellent. The lyrics are just as angry, and the total sound is as much over the top now as it was then. Not a *Great* record, but certainly much better than average. But I digress...

The latest story is that W. Axl Rose is Anthropophobic, which according to Websters is a "pathological fear of people or human companionship". That is amazing. All this time he had been keeping the album had been in hiding, and when it finally drops he develops a paralyzing phobia of people and goes into hiding himself. Oh the irony.

I now go back to listening to Shwayze (thank you Maidel for the download) while I study....

Monday, December 15, 2008

If I Could Only Flag Her Down

I am annoyed at myself. The last post was lame and I should not have written it. I usually don't post twice a day but I am kinda angry at myself, and I don't want that post as the top one on my blog for the next day or two. So now with some Offspring playing in my headphones, I can write the post I should have written for today.

What is wrong with people that they can't say Good Shabbos when you pass them on the street? I went to a different shul this past shabbos, and while walking to and from shul which is a few blocks from my house I passed numerous people; men, women, old, young, in between. I made it a point to give a little nod and say "Good Shabbos" to these people. No one f*@#ing answered back!!!! What the hell is wrong with people?! Are the women afraid they are gonna catch some sort of STD by saying Good Shabbos to a guy? Is this what they teach in BY these days? Are the single girls so nervous at hearing a guy's voice that they can't answer back? How about the married women, does wearing $4,000 shaitel automaically make you a rude b*tch? I am not asking for your parking spot, or a sexual favor I am just saying God Shabbos. Common courtesy would dictate that you answer me, or at least nod! Why was I ingnored by every person?
This extends to men as well. Do they think tbey are gonna get AIDS? Are they afraid saying Good Shabbos to a guy makes them a homosexual? I thought maybe that was the reason, but then I remembered Jacob da Jew quoting a post by the Material Maidel about how jewish boys have no beitzim, and realized that it made sense. If you have no balls, then maybe you are shy and awkward around other men, like a preteen girl would be. To this I say "Grow a pair!" It is a frikkin Good Shabbos, not a sexual proposition!

And I am not asking for anyone to initiate this, I know that a snowball has a better chance in hell than that happening.

So what's the deal?


Boogie Shoes

So if you are not holed up in some bunker, you probably have heard that President Bush was the target of a shoe throwing attack:

I for one think this is hilarious. Watch the whole video and you will see that Bush is much cooler than anyone thinks. For starters, he went in for the handshake with the Iraqi PM like they were frat brothers. Then when the guy throws the shoe he sidesteps the first one, doesn't even flinch at the next one, and jokes about it after! How cool is that? (and the Iraqi PM makes an attempt to block the second shoe, but notice how he didn't try too hard...)

I know, Obama could have done better right? Obama would have caught the shoe. Obama would have dunked it on his sorry ass. Obama would have....

Oh, and did anyone else realize that the Secret Service was incredibly slow in getting there? You think maybe they are tired of protecting his lame duck ass, and just want to see what it's like being the pimping for Obama? I wonder if there isn't some truth to that....


Friday, December 12, 2008

Saturday Gig

No I am not going to post a d'var torah here in honor of shabbos. I prefer to keep business (or Torah) in this case separate from (guilty) pleasure.

So in the spirit of Shabbos I will leave you with this thought. Is there anything more torturous than having to sit down to a Seudah Shlishis on one of these short shabbosim? You just finished eating, with barely enough time to sleep it off! Bear in mind this is coming from a man with a voracious appetite and somewhat of a bottomless pit for a stomach. Do you really want to sit down and eat tuna and eggsalad at 4:30 Shabbos afternoon? Do you? Really? Why?

Gut Shabbos,

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Fanfare for the Common Man

A quickie...After spending some very extended hours in my school's library basement these past few weeks studying for my finals, I have made a decision. On a whole I find that gentiles (I don't like the "non-jews" phrase) are nicer to complete strangers than frum jews are (excluding the obvious extremes such as Lubavitch shluchim etc.) Maybe it's because we are a very insular community or maybe we are just naturally rude as a people, but I would like to submit this as a concrete conclusion from my very scientific research study.

Go ahead and roast me in the comments.


Blue Jean(s)

One final thought for the day. What is so terrible about wearing jeans? Why, when upon seeing a frum guy wearing jeans is the first thought in someones head always derisive? Jeans are made from cotton the last time I checked. Are they sewn in Satan's workshop? Are they the product of awful child labor? Is it the color? The texture? The taste? Their association with the rebels of yesteryear? The fact that only cool kids, or the so-called "bums" wear them? The 5 pockets instead of 4? The way they fit? (and I am not even referring to skinny jeans, more on that a different time).

What exactly is wrong with jeans?!?!?!?


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Black and White

I have decided to start naming my posts after obscure song names from the 70's. Partially because it's music that i enjoy, and partially because it gives the commenters something to comment on. I won't give the artist name, so feel free to leave it in the comments for everyone else to see (extra credit if you get it without googling).

The title of this post references a frum phenomenon that is getting worse and worse. The ubiquitous black hat which a large segment of the male frum population wears. I will not go into the reasons for wearing one or not wearing one as that is a personal decision and i could give a shit whether someone actually wears one or not. I do but I do not know for how much longer given the money it takes to acquire one these days.

However, I will say that since the price has already crept north of $200 it's time to stop. I know there are many hats that can be purchased for far less than this, but, if I am going to buy one I will buy one that is going to last me a substantial amount of time, as well as look semi-respectable while it is on my head. To buy one that looks like those old man rain hats, or an old fashioned Stetson from the 80's is beyond ridiculous. You might as well take your money and give it to the guys who carry the "Why lie? I need a dollar for a beer" signs outside Yankee Stadium. You will be getting more utility out of your money that way.

There is no reason to pay a small fortune, whether you can afford it or not, for an item of clothing that is not stylish and has no real religious connotation. It is absurd to keep this racket going! There is enough extortion in the frum world for religious items that we do not need to perpetuate this ridiculousness. I am all for keeping tradition but this has gone to far. It is absolutely insane! Are there not enough holidays on the jewish calendar which can be used to extort money out of well meaning jews? I am well aware that this does not apply just to the black hat, but beyond what my wife spends on clothing, I do not possess the requisite knowledge to comment on the exorbitant sums dished out for tznius women's clothing at those pricey boutiques catering to the needs of the discerning frum woman. For those that have this knowledge feel free to deliver it in scathing fashion in the comments.


A half step back, but two steps forward

So I woke up this morning and realized that my first post was really hate filled. I do not regret this, I just feel like people may have misinterpreted the purpose of this blog. I am not here to hate on people or things, although I will do it quite often. I want to try and give you a view of the world through the eyes of a velvet yarmulke, black hat wearing frum jew. That's my half step back.

Two steps forward....
Why do frum women feel the need to drive tremendous SUVs? I feel like there is an inverse relationship between the size of the woman and the size of her car. The smaller the woman the bigger, longer, higher the SUV must be. Are they (as was said about Lord Farquaad in Shrek) "compensating for something"? Compensating for their husbands? Do they feel so inferior that they must validate themselves by driving (and I use that term loosely for what they do I am not sure constitutes driving) a behemoth of an automobile? Is it their outsized sense of importance that leads them to feel that only a car of this magnitude can contain them and their persona? Are there frum females with an entourage that must be able to fit in the back of their Escalade? are they going out clubbing and need room for all their girlfriends (or boyfriends, however they roll)? Is it really for their kids? C'mon we know that one is certainly not true, for a minivan is more practical and economical than any of the Suburbans, Expeditions, Escalades, or Hummers out there.

Do not approach this from an environmentalist point of view, for I am not concerned about the carbon footprint of frum women drivers. I am concerned for my relative safety when I am out on the roads. To me, driving and seeing a large SUV piloted by a small frum woman is terrifying.
Which brings me to my second point, why are they unable to drive? This is not a misogynistic rant against the female gender. I do not hate them, I am just perplexed at this wide spread social phenomenon. Females in general do not need me to defend them. They do things quite well, many things better than men, but for frum women, driving is not one of those things. Maybe it is the size of the SUV, maybe it is the bangs from their $3,000 shaitels in their eyes, maybe its the copious jewelry weighing down their arms. Whatever the root cause is I am not sure, but I am certain of one thing.....they are dangerous! This point is not reserved for Brooklyn, it spreads out and in fact may even be more prevalent in other neighborhoods such as the 5 Towns (that's Lawrence, Woodmere, Cedarhurst, Hewlett and Inwood).

In the words of Pat Benatar,
"Hit me with your best shot!"

The deflowering of my blog

This is my first attempt at blogging. It is 2:00 Am EST but I want to introduce myself. I live in Brooklyn (which I am not proud of but more on that to come), attend Law School full time (and should be studying for my finals) and have a wonderful wife (who is Bli Ayin Hara pregnant).

I have decided to start blogging because I feel that my opinions on things are too valuable to be shared with just my family and friends. Thank you to Heshy from FrumSatire, for although you do not know me I enjoy your blog immensely and you are the original inspiration for this blog. Also a thank you to nameless, faceless for showing me that a full time Law Student can do other things besides, well besides be a full time law student.

I will start simply enough. I hate Brooklyn. (I refer to the jewish brooklyn, for the non semitic readers of this blog. By the Jewish Brooklyn I mean the small cross-section known as Flatbush, and specifically Midwood and it's surrounding enclave.) I hate Brooklyn. There I said it twice, it's out in the open, no taking it back. Yes there are things to like about the place, but on a whole I find it deplorable. The people are haughty and pretentious on a level I have yet to experience elsewhere. They look down on everyone and everything as if they , and only they deserve to be walking on this earth fo rthey truly are G-d's gift to mankind. They act callously and without regard for other people, and not in the "just looking out for #1" kind of way. They are rude and snobby towards Jews and gentiles alike, in their actions both spoken and unspoken. It is the biggest jewish community outside of Israel, and yet I do not want any part of them. i will tell you where I rally want to reside at a future date, but suffice it to say that the day I move out of Brooklyn, church bells will ring, fireworks will light up the night sky, and yes even the sun will shine brighter, for "Brooklyn" is a blight to jewish society, nay society in general.

Do not take this to mean that I do not like the physical area for that holds no meaning to me whatsoever. This is purely about the people who inhabit this space, and while it is not every person, it certainly is the vast majority. And I find that the younger they are the worse the symptoms are manifested in them.

Now you may ask if I feel so strongly about the place, and I assure you I do (but it is now 2:08 AM and I must go to bed so I will elaborate more later) why do I live here? There is only one answer. My lovely wife. For even I have a decent bone in my body. I am not particularly conmpassionate, almost never express my feelings, (other than anger which I express frequently), generally not sentimental towards people, but when necessary I do what happens to be done. With the requisite amount of bitching and moaning, of course.

So there is my introduction. I hope people read this. Please comment! I wanna hear what is going on in your minds, and what you think of my thoughts.

Until next time,
SCSF (Sarcastic, Cynic, Skeptic...Frum)